No More Pretender

When I was seventeen I made a business trip from Biloxi to Jackson MS to handle a legal matter. Although I was a teenager, I had been forced to grow up fast due to hard circumstances. My body was adult but my mind was lagging behind. I tried to be mature, but occasionally the child within surfaced seizing control of me, and I was ‘okay’ with this.

I stepped on the commercial bus that day and held the driver captive by refusing to sit down until I scanned all passengers trying to decide who I would grace with my presence for the next seventy-five miles. About three quarters up the aisle I found my prey. He was innocent looking with a quite harmless demeanor. After making my way back, I asked if he minded me filling the empty seat beside him. He was pleased to welcome me. This young college guy was on the brink of getting a ride of his lifetime.

The PRETENDER kicked in like I have rarely seen. Only a few times in my whole life had I seen her come out so strong and comfortably; she was full of herself that day – nothing would stop her for the next few hours, not even me.

I introduced myself to the young man, holding out my hand to shake his. Suddenly, I was Ms. Professional, Ms. Mature, Ms. Mysterious and Ms. Celebrity. He fell for it hook, line and sinker, apparent by his awestruck eyes and clumsy body language – he was in the presence of a ‘goddess’, for sure! It was a struggle to adjust in my presence until… I commanded him at ease.

Even though I was supposedly ALL THAT, I felt deeply for the poor guy, sensing his unease in my royal presence. I knew if I was to have any conversation with him, about romance, politics… anything – just name it, I was expert on everything – then I must now make him feel comfortable. I had done my job well to totally get his devoted attention and respect, now I only needed to bring him back to earth so I could enjoy conversing on my ‘real level’; the level of a seventeen year old pretending to be beyond her wisdom, skill and years.

I succeeded. He fell right into my charm as I lifted him off his knees back to the seat beside me. We had a wonderful talk the following couple of hours about everything in life it seemed. He was without doubt brainy, but not so much to distract from his romantic appeal.

Before the end of the ride, (I refer also to the ‘ride’ I gave him with all the bull), the poor guy was in love with me, drooling like a lost, loyal puppy – although, I was never attracted to him! He was no more to me than a perfect soul in which to toy while biding my time to save me from what would have otherwise been a really dull ride.

To this day I feel bad that I deceived that young man, but not too bad! I remember it with a smile. For all I know, he was an angel sent from God to entertain this poor soul in me. Though highly unlikely that was, I have wondered how long, far and wide the young guy searched for the right woman to fill my place… never finding her, because she does not exist, and never did!   

Yes, isn’t it a bit arrogant of me to think that the guy hopelessly loved me for years? Even so, I know what I saw in him and how I toyed with his emotions that day. I wish I could find him and confess… I’d love to hear his perspective on that incident!  Although, I believe I know something to be true… he matured one day and realized that I was all about pretense. I think he came to that understanding and saw the messed up hurting person that I was who was merely trying to tear out of a box I was hiding in. I wanted out desperately and he was a fleeting few moments of escape in this journey called life.         

I look back and see now as I stepped on the bus that day, sitting beside the young man, I was not aware that I was being hijacked by a stranger who pretended to be my redeemer. She liked meeting everyone before they had a chance to meet me. She like making them think that she was me. 

For many years, I allowed that stranger to convince everyone of this. But the real me was under lock and key to the impostor inside of me – the great PRETENDER. No, I did NOT go around pretending as intensely as I had that day, but my life was still ruled very much by the pretender. She owned me; she kept me inside and would not allow me to come out in actuality. She had power over me only because I had not yet learned that it was the other way around - I had power over her. Not knowing this kept me her prisoner. I did not know how to reflect the person that I was... so I let her pretend that she was me!

Most people choose to pretend (fake) their way in life thinking that as soon as they figure it out they will step into their real self. However, this rarely happens. The pretender convinces them that maturity is to project oneself the way you wish to be seen, not as you really are. God says to become who you really are in Him and then let yourself be transparent so that He is seen in you.

The real me began to surface as I determined to be the person God said that ‘I am’. Yes, even He said to Moses, “I AM that I AM.” meaning, “I AM who I AM”.  He was saying, “I AM GOD.” And He reflected confidence in who he is to Moses.

I am made in the image of God, therefore, I can be confident in ‘who’ I am too – after I strip away the pretense which hides the person I really am.

Some people are so comfortable with pretending that they have forgotten they ARE pretending. They have built their entire life around hopes and dreams destined for collapse because their foundation is entirely built of pretense.

If only people knew how to cut open the BOX and step out. Seize the imposter and throw him or her into that box; seal it and ship it to the foot of the cross of Jesus where every ‘thief’ is either redeemed with Jesus or sent away, never again to rob someone of their God-given identity!

Take your ‘real’ life back. The whole world is waiting for real people to emerge with healing in the earth and wholesome power.  Don’t sell out to the lies that ‘down’ you. You ARE somebody but you must want out of that cage before you will climb out.

I climbed partly out from time to time but then I leaped back in for fear and intimidation – only, I was afraid of my own self! Every time I got a glimpse of the real me arising, I ran back into the box and closed the flaps over me. I could not believe that I was a lovely, powerful person inside of myself. I was frightened of me!

I sit here feeling tears for everyone who is afraid to let their real person out of the box. They, like I was, are doubtful that their inner person is beautiful and worthy to step out and SHINE.

I tell you, the imposter – that pretender who rules most people, is only a dull color and an out-of-tune song compared to the real person God created in you.

Let her, or him be FREE. Set your real person loose. Be who you were designed to be with your own real personality. Allow your spirit to show beneath your robe of flesh. It is that real person who WINS in life; the pretender is a loser – WHY do you think s/he PRETENDS?     

It has taken me years to break out of that ugly BOX which once outwardly defined me. From it, the impostor projected, namely, the pretender. I write to you this day because I have stuffed my imposter in the box and shipped her away. She will always try to come back from time to time, but with every day that passes – I know she doesn’t stand much of a chance to hijack my life again! I am wise to her now and the truth is setting me free!

I’m out of the box, ya’ll… Don’t come at me with a leash.
 

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